Wedding Envy

I have intense Wedding Envy at the moment. Last week one of my best friends got engaged and I was asked to be the maid of honour. I'm so excited and so happy to help her with everything. I have ideas for a speech already and I have ideas for the bachelorette party and shower. We found her wedding dress today, it totally suits her. I love dresses and fashion, I just absolutely loved looking at dresses. It's just all falling in place for her, and I'm so happy for her.

At the same time, I'm in this place in my life where it's kind of decision time. And I'm completely jealous and envious of her. What bothers me is that I can see it all fall in place for myself too. I have all the pieces, I'm so lucky.

I've never been one of those girls. I never planned a dream wedding when I was kid. I never really thought about it when I was a kid. (I didn't even know girls did that!) I wasn't that girl. Even when I was engaged, I didn't really want to plan a wedding. Maybe I knew it wasn't right, maybe it just wasn't my personality, I'm not sure. But something's changed. I can't just hole myself away and protect myself forever. Life is much better when you share it with someone.

In essence, right now, I'm planning a wedding with Ryan in the background of my mind, I can see a dress and a venue and shoes and flowers and colours and trinkets. I'm kind of scared, since it isn't like me. Is it all right? Does that mean I've found what I'm looking for and it's all coming naturally? I think I'm certifiably insane at the moment because I've never experienced this want or what I call "craziness" before. Is it just because I'm going through the motions in the background that's bringing this all to the surface. But I've done this before for 2 other friends and the only thing that is different is my partner.

I think I'm just freaking myself out for nothing. I think it's a good thing I'm going through this at this time. If I wasn't, or if I didn't, I think I could be pretty comfortable for a long time without actually thinking that far into the future. I think I'm happy to settle on, let the past be the past, but don't let it affect your future. It's okay to be jealous as long as you're not hiding from your own issues and as long as you're truly happy for the person you're jealous of.

I guess I'm just really scaring myself at the moment. But I think it's good.