Humbling Experiences

Work is insane, what else is new?

My schedule is insane, friends, sports, volunteering and trying to keep up with housework. I haven't done laundry in over a month and Bunnyrats nails really need to be trimmed. Next year, I'm only doing 1 sport! I promise myself this, I don't have time for 2, I feel too rushed and run down.

Ryan and I finally decided to "officially" move in together. I know, I know, he's been living at my place for a year now but not alot of his stuff was. We decided to meld everything into my place since it's in such a convenient location, even though his place is 3 times the size but on the edge of town. We can both walk to work at my place and I love the river for biking and running, and downtown for shopping, nevermind sitting at the comfy patio set reading a book overlooking the river. Especially since he's not around on the weekends anyways, I'd be constantly driving downtown weekends and weekdays.

So this whole experience is turning into me dealing with the issue of "mine". My place, my rooms, my furniture. I'm having alot of trouble with it. Each room I've thought out carefully in the first place, and now it's all being turned upside down trying to meld Ryan's things into it.

My Den is the worst in the whole house. It always has been. It's a spare bedroom and a collection of hobbies that I no longer have time for. Yet trying to give up that space for those hobbies is hard! I know I no longer write much, or putz around with my computer equiptment or do crafts. It's all stuff I'd like to do, and I have the space to do it, I just don't have time. Yet trying to get rid of my space to make it 'Our Space', proves to be daunting. I don't want to. Plain and simple. But it's something I have to do if I do want to accept a life with someone.

On top of it all, I realize it's just 'stuff'. I don't like to think of myself as a 'stuff' person, but lets face it, I hold on to 'stuff' like no one's business unless I'm too lazy to move it, then I seem to have no problems getting rid of 'stuff'.

I seem to have issues with contributions too. Let's face this sad sad fact: I've never seriously dated a guy that could soundly support himself financially. There I said it. I feel dirty that that's the truth. Big purchases and decisions, they've always been up to me. Yet Ryan is offering to purchase a flatscreen monitor to get rid of my giant 19" flat screen CRT, which is 75lbs and takes up so much desk space, and I have issues with that. The monitor may look ancient, but it suits my purposes just fine. It was $400 8 years ago, and I don't see the point of replacing it with a nicer bigger one that takes up less space for $200. I'm not sure if it's my inner frugality, even though I'm not the one shelling out for it, or if it's the fact that I won't be making the purchase. Accepting help from others. I need to learn to accept it. I wouldn't even let him by my headphones for me for my iPod when we were out one day, ($16). My reasoning was, if I needed them I would buy them for me. Yes I can take care of myself quite comfortably, I can take care of myself and someone else and a rabbit quite comfortably, but now I'm being offered help. Why can't I accept the help? Why is my brain wired this way?