Learning to be single

I don't make the greatest single and looking girl at all.

I've had boyfriends for so much of my dating life, I don't really think about myself in public and automatically turn away male attention.

Yesterday at Walmart, I was buying Vitamins. The cute pharmacist came over and asked if I need help. I said no thanks, I've found what I'm looking for and he walked away, past another couple people in the aisle that definitely looked like they needed help. I didn't think of it till later, wait, I should of started a conversation with him!

The next stop was Canadian Tire. I heard they were having a sale on area rugs, I was all excited because I knew there were a couple I knew I liked. So I pick out my rug and am trying to get it off the shelf. About 3 guys non-chalantly stop and ask if I need help, not employees, shoppers. I instinctively said no, I had it covered. Then again in line, the guy behind me asked if I needed help getting it into my car. It was actually really easy to carry and manouver, so again, I instictively said no thank you.

After I got out of Canadian Tire and was driving home. I realized, what I had done. Then I started thinking to myself, how many times this happens to me when I'm out in public. It happens quite often, I get lots of male attention and I turn it away. Because it wasn't right to accept that attention before, that wasn't fair to whatever relationship I was in at the time.

But now it's fair game. I need to learn how to play this game and become more aware of my surroundings and take my auto response off. There's lots out there, but I need to be open to it.......

Joy

I absolutely love this song right now, I could listen to it on repeat all day.


Against Me
Joy


All's quiet, except for this song.
So maybe while I'm not together I can feel like I'm not alone.
And somewhere off in the distance, rapidly advancing, is an onslaught of sorts.
Young sirens wail in a skewed sense of glory.
And the lions in the cages roar at the memory of fight.

And there's a joy, a joy in all I can see.
A joy, in every possibility.

And all around us is a great, great failing.
American rockets red-glare in a most
disgusting triumph.
And in passing I am asked "Do you believe in a God?",
I shrug off the answer, continue to get high
in this terror of no explanation.
I am looking for a faith.
My panic is an only reason.

There's a joy, a joy in all I can see.
A joy, in every possibility.

Note to Self #186

After being in the grocery store for over an hour, I remembered that the grocery store is the perfect place to meet men.

However, when your grocery store of choice is Costco, and no men in their 20's have run out of a 9 year supply of chicken fingers, (giving you only 2 chances in their 20s to find em!!!!) , all you find is middleaged men being dragged around by their wives. Note to self, find younger, happening grocery store :)

okay, round em up!

Hi Blogland,

Sorry I've been ignoring you for a while, there is way too much going on.

Work, friends and relationships, they've all caught up to me in the last little while. Dreams and goals should be added on there as well. I've officially finished all my 2008 goals. I seriously thought they would take me a year, apparently I just needed a month.

Being sick this week, I've had lots of time to reflect. I made a couple promises to myself, for the future, regarding relationships. Just because I've fallen far from my "ideals" doesn't mean that it's too late to implement them again. It's never too late. Also I've come to the revelation that even if I have to wait 5 years for something really special, it's so worth it, it's indescribable. And I'm not going to settle for anything less but that ideal and more. I'm ready for you now life. Personality compatibility is personality compatibility, but love is a little harder to find, and now I'm ready to do some hunting.

Career wise, I feel, that I've finally moved it back on track. I got a new job starting next month. It's something that I should really enjoy and provide some great learning experiences and opportunities for me. In the next couple months, I'm really going to buckle down and make a good name for myself.

Everything is going my way this year, it's up to me to make the best of it!

Wham!

Wow, I totally didn't see this one coming.

Darrell and I broke up. I think. It's complicated. One minute we're having our normal fight about living together, should we, shouldn't we, how, and fears in general. Then the next we're talking about families and kids, and he said that may never be a possibility for him. And I said I couldn't be with someone if that wasn't even a possibility. And I'm kinda solid on that one. That's kinda a deal breaker for me. Then what's the point of dating basically? So in 5 years he truly decides that's not up his alley, and then I'm completely shattered....again....no, never again.

It's so unexpected. Last week I was going though old blog postings and I came across one, from when I was super sad, about what a good relationship was like. And I felt so happy after re-reading it, because I realized that I had all that now. Or so I thought.

This was also kinda the first relationship I've had where the guy hasn't been very forward with life intentions at all. Usually at month 2, or sometimes even date 2, they want to marry me and I freak. But it's still a nice reassuring feeling.

Ugh, I dunno. Toast to a new journey, I suppose? I can't convince someone to think that way about me, and I really shouldn't have to......