the scoop

So I wrote Barbara and Toni an email this morning on all the happenings in my life this summer. And I decided that I really couldn't put it all in any better words than in that email, so I chose to post it here. Keep in mind it just hits highlights, it's what I feel and meant to be short. Nothing is examined in depth, it is what it is, from my point of view about me. But it gives a good overview anyways.


So yes, we all know, beginning of this summer, I went crazy and had a breakdown, primarily about the Dan/Darrell thing. And that's when I broke up with Darrell. I felt guilty for thinking about Dan when I was with Darrell.

So Dan and I started seeing eachother a little and talking again. We both acknowledged that we had both changed and we enjoyed spending time together, so we dated for a little while, even took a camping trip to Narrow Hills. And yes, he has given up the addictive video games and is
starting to get a life plan. But when it came down to it, I just can't trust him to not let it all fall apart like he did before. Then I'd observe things, like him drinking with his buddies till 4am on a tuesday, him puking and passing out, when he has a meeting with his
supervisers at 9am. Or even just disrespect towards me in conversations that he has with our mutual friends. It started to make me feel like I felt when it was at the end of that relationship. And I started getting panic attacks again. And I knew that it was not
right. That he was not mature enough, and he's just not the right guy for me. It *finally* just all clicked. It really hadn't before. So we
broke up, and I said we could keep in contact as friends once in a while, but no, he's just mad, he doesn't even want to do that. So that was the end of that.

Now for Darrell. Our interests are so similar that we just run into eachother everywhere. And even our day to day lives, and habits, we're both so similar, and prefer doing the similar activities at the same times etc. And I really like Darrell, he actually knows how to handle me, and he's responsible, and actually wants to look out for me and take care of me and does it naturally, like walking on the side that I carry my purse on so no one steals it etc. And the only good reason we broke up was because I felt guilty about the Dan stuff I was going through, and I didn't want to drag Darrell along and for him to get hurt. So long story short, we got back together.

And you know what? I feel very happy about all of this. Happier than I've been in the last couple months. And I'm sure about everything now. I don't have anymore 'what ifs' on the Dan side, it would of ended eventually anyways, I know that now. And I don't have any questions on the Darrell thing, I enjoy him and now I can actually let him in and be happy
without comparisons to my past. I've been the happiest in the last week. I gave Darrell a 'Peace Lily' at the beginning of the week (he loves flowers and plants) and I've never felt so good about doing something like that for someone before, because I know it'll be returned
and then some.

So in conclusion, crazy Candice is not crazy anymore :) I'm looking forward to returning to my responsible, sensible, centered calm self again. I think I'm already there.

So, Darrell's coming to the steak night tonight.
And yes, he will be my date for the wedding.

phew, that's a long one, but now you're all caught up!

Cheers,

Candice