4 o'clock

It's 4 o'clock in the morning. I can't sleep. My stomach doesn't feel well. I haven't really been eating either. It's a great way to lose weight but I don't know how much more I can afford to lose. I just have no appetite whatsoever.

I didn't want to update this until I had something happy to put on here. Like before, some sort of rant or antic. But I'm not really happy. I don't want to perpetuate that on to other people.

I thought by coming here, I would be happy, I wouldn't be lonely. I'd have someone to do the things I like with and the things I don't like with. I was so mad the weekend I moved. No one was helping me move. My parents took off to the lake, and Dan was nowhere to be found. Then I found out Dan had scheduled work so that when I arrived, he wouldn't be here to unpack. I flipped out on him and he changed his shift after he guilt tripped me about changing it. I didn't really feel wanted here from day 1.

Peaches passed away yesterday. He's been around for over 11 years. He's been there through everything and now he's gone. He was there for all those impartial opinions, cheering up and everything inbetween. I'm devestated, but I'll be okay eventually.

With the above, I'm pretty sad. This is when I need someone the most. When I got home from work Dan was on the computer playing his game. When I got home he asked how my day went. Irratated that I'm already upset, the apartment was a mess, I answered honestly and said horrible! He then proceeds to tell me he didn't expect me home so quick and would be another 15 minutes. I stomped around and cleaned for those 15 mins. I'm not a maid, I don't expect to be. I expect that if I leave and the apartment is clean that when I come back it should be the same way without me starting from square one. I expect that if I go to work upset about the above, that it's a given, I'm still going to be upset when I come home.

I don't expect guys to get me all the time but some of these basics I expect. I hate the fact that he half listens to me and/or doesn't remember things but a little effort somewhere would be helpful. I hate the fact that I come second to a video game. It's just a game! I don't care if you do pay $15 a month for it, it's still just a game. I don't like the fact that I ask him to clean out the spare room with all the junk he's put in there or do his own laundry and 5 days later, it's still not done. If I wanted to take care of 2 people, I'd get another animal. I'm not that person. I'm not happy with this.

Part of me says, it's been 6 years and you need to work on things. I know people are more thoughtful in the beginning of a relationship than 6 years in. I try to do little thoughtful things, and I enjoy doing them, I just wish the same was done for me. They are in a way, buy always in a way that proves he doesn't know me. He bought me a cake for great. Great, nice gesture, but here's the thing. I don't really like cake. If I do have some it'll be a little sliver. I like salt not sweet. A bag of Miss Vickie's would have been more effective. It's not just the cake, there's lots of little things I'm noticing. There's effort, just no thought or follow through.

On the upside, I'm really beginning to like my new job. It's challenging and fun and I'm starting to make new friends. I get the impression that I scare alot of the programmer guys and engineering guys. As they get to know me though it's getting better. Plus I've got Barbara and Toni here. It's nice to have some girlfriends around in S'toon, plus I've got 2 aunts here and about 6 cousins here my age.

I wish I could just put the relationship stuff together. I thought I wasn't supposed to be lonely in that area, and I think I'm lonlier than before. I'm definitely more withdrawn since all these stupid things have been happening.